I have a very bad habit of holding things in. I will hold on to a
thing and let it fester until it's hot and angry, and ready to burst.
And when the thing finally ruptures, I am either a nasty, snarling,
vicious beast of a woman; or a sloppy, weeping, husk of humanity. At
the very worst, if I have held it in way past due, I get an anxiety
attack, a lovely combination of the above discriptions, and, oh what fun
that is; well, the drugs that come with it can be, (not really! I'm
usually drooling on my pillow about 30 minutes after I take them.).
"What
brought this up," you ask? Well, the fun time I had last week has
rolled over into this one, and I've been a delight to be around. And,
because I let myself get "tightly wound up", (Kevin said that...The
nerve!), my blood pressure got high, and I had an episode of vertigo
Tuesday evening, while I was mowing my dad's yard. Not fun. I hadn't
had one in over a month, and never while I was actually doing
something. It was kind of scary...
Anyway,
this got me to thinking as to what EXACTLY it is that is bothering me SO
MUCH that I have turned into a three-headed she-bitch that foams at the
mouth and cries venom tears. Yes, I have been irritated that I'm not
getting help with the housework, but, that can't be it. I'm not going
to come unhinged over JUST that. What's going on with me?
And
then it hit me... There is someone in my life that I love very much. I
have known this person for most of my life, and we had been growing
very close, until a few years ago. (I should add that this was not a
romantic relationship...) At that point, this person met someone, whom
they were sure they would be spending their life with. I was very happy
for this person. They had been waiting for this for a long time, and I
was very excited to meet the person who was bringing them such joy.
I've yet to meet that person.
I spoke to this
person maybe two times afterwards. Then, they moved, to be closer to
their significant other. I wasn't told goodbye, I don't even remember
for certain if I was told they were leaving, and they haven't spoken to
me since. Oh, I got an invitation to the wedding, but, by then, enough
time had past that I wasn't just hurt, I was down right pissed, and I
believed that I was only invited so that it could be said that I was.
So, I refused to go.
Now, this person is
expecting a baby. I had held out on the hope that when that time came,
they would tell me, that maybe I would be one of the first ones they
would tell, because that's the type of relationship we once had. But,
no. I can't remember now if I saw it on Facebook first, or if it was
from one person who had heard it from someone else, but, it didn't come
from the one person who mattered, and that crushed me; it still does.
I
don't know why my baby sister is doing this. I have one theory: My
brother-in-law is a youth leader, and his dad is a preacher; I am
wiccan. My fear is that she has broken contact with me because of
this. I hope I'm wrong, but, If I am, I have no other explaination.
And I know for certain that she has stopped talking to me, and that we
have not just drifted apart, because right after I found out about the
baby, my mom, who knew how upset I was, (and whom my sister had also
stopped speaking to), tried to reach out to her on Facebook. In
response, she blocked both of us. I hadn't said anything to her, at
all. I figured, she was the one who stopped talking to me, and she
could be the one who starts. It's sort of ok; although I don't get to
see how she's doing from time to time, I also don't have to see the
posts where she says "you're such a wonderful sister," and know that
they are not meant for me.
Anyway, my dad's
birthday was last Saturday (the 17th). He told me a few days before
that my sister would be coming down then. I have traced that back to be
the root of the problem. She-bitch was born right around that time.
After the little heifer had blocked me, I had said, "screw it! If
that's how she wants to be, I'm not going to let it bother me!" Liar,
liar... I guess I should have added, "until she comes around again."
uggg.
I didn't see her, of course. However, I
was told that she went out to Kaytlin's grave. That makes me really,
really MAD. I don't want her out there, for any reason. She doesn't
get to cut me, and my kids, out of her life, and then come around once
in a blue moon, and go to my daughter's grave, so that she can somehow
feel better about herself. She had the chance to be a good aunt, and
she's fucked it up. If things remain the way they currently are, I'll
never get the chance to know my nephew. She made her bed...
In
case you're wondering why it's such a big deal to me that I know my
sister's children; I have a niece and a nephew through marriage, and I
love them dearly. And, then I have Lulu. She is my brother's little
girl. No, that's not her real name, that's what Aunt Wicia calls her.
As ornery as that kid is, and as much as I want to pull my hair out over
her sometimes, I love that kid almost as much as I love my own. Bub
and I weren't speaking during Lulu's birthday, (both stubborn), and I
didn't go to her party. I hated it. If we ever have another
disagreement around that time, I'll just have to kick his ass and get it
over with! But, you get the idea. Though I wouldn't get to see him as
often, I would love that little guy just the same. My heart truly
aches, and he's not even been born yet! I can't remember when my sister
is due, but, she doesn't have much longer.
So
now I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I know
that some of you that read my blog know my sister. I want to say,
"please, show this to her, let her read it!" But, and the same time, I
a) don't want to drag anyone into it, and b) don't want to cause her any
stress, because I really don't want any harm to come to her or the
baby. So, I suppose, I will just not say anything, and if someone were
to bring my blog to her attention, it wouldn't be my doing, right?
Ok, I feel a little better, Thanks for reading.
Take care,
Alicia
No comments:
Post a Comment