The 26th of May marked my thirty-third birthday. When I was 11, I
would have told you that being in your 30's meant you were ancient. My
22 y.o. self thought anyone over thirty was old, had their shit
together, and knew what general direction their life was heading. Now, I
shake my head at those two for being so stupid.
I
look back at all the things I have experienced in my adulthood thus
far: In no particular order, I have - had 3 children, buried one, lost
3 grandmothers, and a great-grandmother. I have also gone to school
four times (I should be a fucking doctor by now! LOL), had 5 jobs,
gotten fired twice, gotten married, aquired two step-children, started a
relationship with my real father, and gained about 135 lbs.
That's
been in JUST the past 15 years of my life! Holy shit! LOL. Have you
ever done that? Just sat down and wrote out all the things that you
have been through, good or bad, since becoming an adult? Maybe you
should.
This is the first time I've actually
written it out, honestly; but, it's gotten me thinking of all the times
I've felt sorry for myself. Really, I know I'm not the only person who
looks at their life and thinks, "What in the hell have I been doing with
my life? Where did the time go? What have I accomplished?" Well, it's
right in front of me, now. I know EXACTLY what I've done, and what
I've accomplished.
You can't look at these
things and think, "Boo hoo, look at all I've had to go through, poor
me!" You've got to say, "Hell yes, I made it through in one piece!" I
don't have my shit together, and I don't know which direction my life
will take me, but, I'd say, all-in-all, what I've done is a lot that I
can be proud of. I have made it through a few different levels of
hell, and I survived (without getting one fucking t-shirt!) I've been
twisted, as a result, but I'm still here.
Of
course, you can't go through anything that's made it to your "list"
without it affecting you in some way. I do believe that's why it's
called "life-changing"; it wouldn't make it on the list otherwise. I
KNOW that I'm a completely different person now than what I was at 18.
I'm stronger, more confident, and I don't take shit from anyone;
however, I also have very little patience, I'm very stubborn, and as we
all know, I am a bitch (There are different kinds of bitch; I happen to be the good kind, though some may disagree). My point is, I didn't end up broken.
While on the subject of change, I need to include, ( as much for myself as anyone else), that the only
person anyone can ever change, at least in a positive way, is
themself. No matter how much you beg, whine, yell, or, even PRAY to
your God(dess) for that person to alter their behavior, they are not
going to, unless it's negatively. I know when I'm being constantly
bitched at, I bull up and do THE EXACT OPPOSITE of the desired effect;
e.i., negative outcome. Most of us do that. Therefore, I know, deep
down, that no matter how much I bitch at my kids, or my husband, to do
something - to change - and although that something might be done for a
while, it's not going to last, and the situation may, in fact worsen.
I
have given myself a lot of headaches over this very thing, and I
suppose it has finally clicked. I need to just STOP bitching. I'm
hoping that if I let them know what is expected, stay firm and
consistant, and lead by example, they will change on their own.
There
are other kinds of change that hit closer to the heart. We are all
aware of what those are. They are the deal-breakers and , sometimes,
the heart-breakers. These are the ones where we keep telling ourselves
that we will give him/her one more chance, 'cause we just know that they
will do better, be better. After so many chances, and/or so many
years, you've got to finally make a decision: throw in the towel and
walk away with your head held high, because you KNOW you gave it your
all; or stick around and deal with it, because it's not going to get
better. Regardless of your choice, it's YOU that has to change.
Make
your list, draw your line, stay firm and consistant, and CHANGE,
because no matter who you surround yourself with, in the end, the only
person who can do it for you, IS you.
TTFN,
Alicia
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