Nicholas - originally posted June 30, 2014

 

 

I know, it's been a while.  To make a long story short, I've been dealing with some stuff, and as a result have been kind of a hermit.  I do that at times.  I'll probably get in to that at a later date, but, right now, I want to talk about that cute little man in the picture.

In March of 2001, I found out that I was going to become a mother for the first time.  I was 19, and OMG was I terrified.  I'm not gonna lie, I enjoyed the practice of making a baby, but, I was in no way intentionally trying to make one of those squirming, crying, pooping creatures; but, alas, it was to be.  And so, on September 23, 2001, a 7 lb 6 oz Nicholas Michael entered the world, after what seemed like a long, horrible pregnancy, (I hated being pregnant, both with Nick, and his two sister, but, I love my babies!).  He was a good baby; spoiled, of course, Grandma saw to that (some things never change...).  He made me wonder why I was so afraid to become a Mom, and made me discover that being a parent is only as hard as you make it.

One of the best things that happened pretty much immediately upon Nick's arrival is that I grew up.  You know as well as I do that there are very few 20 year olds without children who are actually grown up, and sadly, there are some WITH children who aren't, as well.  Anyway, I was, and I have my handsom baby boy to thank for it.

It's not been all rainbows and roses, of course.  I was a single mom, starting out. We lived with my mom, and between she and I, we managed.  We were still living with Mom when Kaytlin came along.  Nicholas was 4.  I have said many, many time, and will say many more, that if it hadn't been for Nicholas, after Kaytlin died, there would have been no me.  He was my rock.  Some may think it wrong to say that you look at your then 4 year old son as your rock, but, I don't care.  He was; he still is.  When I cried, (which was a lot at the time), he would let me hold him, because he knew that's what Mommy needed; when I seemed to be at my wits end, he knew that he needed to go find something to do, because Mommy needed a break; when I didn't think things could get any darker, he knew that he could smile and be silly, because Mommy needed some sunshine and laughter.  He's still that way.

I'm not saying that's he's an angel; yes, he's charming, funny, and a gentleman to the core, but, people say he favors me, and with the similar looks comes a similar attitude.  Now that he's about to become a teenager, the attitude has been maginified exponentially.  I'm afraid I'm getting ready to go through teenage hell with him.  It's a damned good things that I'm a master at being a smart ass, because the young grasshopper is trying to give me a run for my money.  And, holy crap, does he like to test out the cuss words.  Naturally, his favorite word is fuck (that's my boy!).  I think I've said before that I don't believe in censorship; however, I also don't believe that children should be running around using swear words like a second language.  I understand that kids get to an age where they cuss as a way to test the waters, to see how far they can get with Mom and Dad, but, the way I see it, it's ok if you want to cuss like a sailor around your friends, but until you've survived high school, maybe gotten your ass kicked once or twice, and can hold a job and pay your own bills, you keep your mouth clean and respectful when in the presence of an adult.  Ok, maybe not quite to that extent, but, you get it; it's a right of passage.

Nick will be 13 in less than 3 months.  I'm not ready, but, I guess I don't have a choice.  The other day, Mom and I were in the kitchen with him, and she was kissing all over his cute little face.  She was telling him that he was such a cute little baby, and he was having none of it.  He told her, "I'm not a baby, Grandma! I'm almost 13!"  She of course had to argue with him.  I had to tell her that he was not a baby.  He's a little man, and the more we try to keep him as a baby, the more he's going to fight against us.  It was one of the hardest things I had to do.  it made me so sad.  Sometimes I wish he was still that squirming, crying, pooping creature I could hold in my arms, instead of the messy, mouthy, and sometimes smelly one that can't fit on my lap anymore.  He's growing faster than I'd like!

Since I can't avoid it, one thing I am going to look forward to when he turns 13 is the fact that he will only become a teenager once.  Oh my god!  Since the second he turned 12, all we've heard around my house is some variation of, "I'll be 13 soon!"  Holy shit, WE GET IT ALREADY!  Yes, you are going to turn 13, go through puberty, become all angsty, and make us all miserable.  Oh joy, the rest of us are just as excited!  It's so funny, though, to mention anything about puberty.  He clams up, and gets embarrassed, or gets pissy and tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it.  Oh, except for talking about his voice changing.  He's ready for that.  He plays World of Tanks, and some of the older guys make fun of him because he sounds like a little boy (duh!)  They call him squeaky.  Poor kid.  People can be dicks. 

So, that's my Nicky.  He's sweet (laced with arsenic), funny (and extremely sarcastic), and HE'S GOING TO BE 13 SOON!  I wouldn't change him for anything. 

I love that kid.

Take care.

Alicia

In My Old Age... - originaly posted May 30, 2014

 

 

The 26th of May marked my thirty-third birthday.  When I was 11, I would have told you that being in your 30's meant you were ancient.  My 22 y.o. self thought anyone over thirty was old, had their shit together, and knew what general direction their life was heading.  Now, I shake my head at those two for being so stupid.

I look back at all the things I have experienced in my adulthood thus far: In no particular order,  I have -  had 3 children, buried one, lost 3 grandmothers, and a great-grandmother.  I have also  gone to school four times (I should be a fucking doctor by now!  LOL), had 5 jobs, gotten fired twice, gotten married, aquired two step-children, started a relationship with my real father, and gained about 135 lbs.

That's been in JUST the past 15 years of my life!  Holy shit!  LOL.  Have you ever done that?  Just sat down and wrote out all the things that you have been through, good or bad, since becoming an adult?  Maybe you should. 

This is the first time I've actually written it out, honestly; but, it's gotten me thinking of all the times I've felt sorry for myself.  Really, I know I'm not the only person who looks at their life and thinks, "What in the hell have I been doing with my life? Where did the time go?  What have I accomplished?"  Well, it's right in front of me, now.  I know EXACTLY what I've done, and what I've accomplished.

You can't look at these things and think, "Boo hoo, look at all I've had to go through, poor me!"  You've got to say, "Hell yes, I made it through in one piece!"  I don't have my shit together, and I don't know which direction my life will take me, but, I'd say, all-in-all, what I've done is a lot that I can be proud of.  I have made it through a few different levels of hell, and I survived (without getting one fucking t-shirt!)  I've been twisted, as a result, but I'm still here.

Of course, you can't go through anything that's made it to your "list" without it affecting you in some way.  I do believe that's why it's called "life-changing"; it wouldn't make it on the list otherwise.  I KNOW that I'm a completely different person now than what I was at 18.  I'm stronger, more confident, and I don't take shit from anyone; however, I also have very little patience, I'm very stubborn,  and as we all know, I am a bitch (There are different kinds of bitch; I happen to be the good kind, though some may disagree).  My point is, I didn't end up broken.

While on the subject of change, I need to include, ( as much for myself as anyone else), that the only person anyone can ever change, at least in a positive way, is themself.  No matter how much you beg, whine, yell, or, even PRAY to your God(dess) for that person to alter their behavior, they are not going to, unless it's negatively.  I know when I'm being constantly bitched at, I bull up and do THE EXACT OPPOSITE of the desired effect; e.i., negative outcome.  Most of us do that.  Therefore, I know, deep down, that no matter how much I bitch at my kids, or my husband, to do something - to change - and although that something might be done for a while, it's not going to last, and the situation may, in fact worsen.

I have given myself a lot of headaches over this very thing, and I suppose it has finally clicked.  I need to just STOP bitching.  I'm hoping that if I let them know what is expected, stay firm and consistant, and lead by example, they will change on their own.

There are other kinds of change that hit closer to the heart.  We are all aware of what those are.  They are the deal-breakers and , sometimes, the heart-breakers.  These are the ones where we keep telling ourselves that we will give him/her one more chance, 'cause we just know that they will do better, be better.  After so many chances, and/or so many years, you've got to finally make a decision: throw in the towel and walk away with your head held high, because you KNOW you gave it your all; or stick around and deal with it, because it's not going to get better.  Regardless of your choice, it's YOU that has to change.

Make your list, draw your line, stay firm and consistant, and CHANGE, because no matter who you surround yourself with, in the end, the only person who can do it for you, IS you.

TTFN,

Alicia

The Root of the Problem - originally posted May 22, 2014

I have a very bad habit of holding things in.  I will hold on to a thing and let it fester until it's hot and angry, and ready to burst.  And when the thing finally ruptures, I am either a nasty, snarling, vicious beast of a woman; or a sloppy, weeping, husk of humanity.  At the very worst, if I have held it in way past due, I get an anxiety attack, a lovely combination of the above discriptions, and, oh what fun that is; well, the drugs that come with it can be, (not really!  I'm usually drooling on my pillow about 30 minutes after I take them.).

"What brought this up," you ask?  Well, the fun time I had last week has rolled over into this one, and I've been a delight to be around.  And, because I let myself get "tightly wound up", (Kevin said that...The nerve!), my blood pressure got high, and I had an episode of vertigo Tuesday evening, while I was mowing my dad's yard.  Not fun.  I hadn't had one in over a month, and never while I was actually doing something.  It was kind of scary...

Anyway, this got me to thinking as to what EXACTLY it is that is bothering me SO MUCH that I have turned into a three-headed she-bitch that foams at the mouth and cries venom tears.  Yes, I have been irritated that I'm not getting help with the housework, but, that can't be it.  I'm not going to come unhinged over JUST that.  What's going on with me?

And then it hit me... There is someone in my life that I love very much.  I have known this person for most of my life, and we had been growing very close, until a few years ago.  (I should add that this was not a romantic relationship...)  At that point, this person met someone, whom they were sure they would be spending their life with.  I was very happy for this person.  They had been waiting for this for a long time, and I was very excited to meet the person who was bringing them such joy.  I've yet to meet that person.

I spoke to this person maybe two times afterwards.  Then, they moved, to be closer to their significant other.  I wasn't told goodbye, I don't even remember for certain if I was told they were leaving, and they haven't spoken to me since.  Oh, I got an invitation to the wedding, but, by then, enough time had past that I wasn't just hurt, I was down right pissed, and I believed that I was only invited so that it could be said that I was.  So, I refused to go. 

Now, this person is expecting a baby.  I had held out on the hope that when that time came, they would tell me, that maybe I would be one of the first ones they would tell, because that's the type of relationship we once had.  But, no.  I can't remember now if I saw it on Facebook first, or if it was from one person who had heard it from someone else, but, it didn't come from the one person who mattered, and that crushed me; it still does. 

I don't know why my baby sister is doing this.  I have one theory: My brother-in-law is a youth leader, and his dad is a preacher; I am wiccan.  My fear is that she has broken contact with me because of this.  I hope I'm wrong, but, If I am, I have no other explaination.  And I know for certain that she has stopped talking to me, and that we have not just drifted apart, because right after I found out about the baby, my mom, who knew how upset I was, (and whom my sister had also stopped speaking to), tried to reach out to her on Facebook.  In response, she blocked both of us.  I hadn't said anything to her, at all.  I figured, she was the one who stopped talking to me, and she could be the one who starts.  It's sort of ok; although I don't get to see how she's doing from time to time, I also don't have to see the posts where she says "you're such a wonderful sister," and know that they are not meant for me.

Anyway, my dad's birthday was last Saturday (the 17th).  He told me a few days before that my sister would be coming down then.  I have traced that back to be the root of the problem.  She-bitch was born right around that time.  After the little heifer had blocked me, I had said, "screw it!  If that's how she wants to be, I'm not going to let it bother me!"  Liar, liar...  I guess I should have added, "until she comes around again."  uggg. 

I didn't see her, of course.  However, I was told that she went out to Kaytlin's grave.  That makes me really, really MAD.  I don't want her out there, for any reason.  She doesn't get to cut me, and my kids, out of her life, and then come around once in a blue moon, and go to my daughter's grave, so that she can somehow feel better about herself.  She had the chance to be a good aunt, and she's fucked it up.  If things remain the way they currently are, I'll never get the chance to know my nephew.  She made her bed... 

In case you're wondering why it's such a big deal to me that I know my sister's children; I have a niece and a nephew through marriage, and I love them dearly.  And, then I have Lulu.  She is my brother's little girl.  No, that's not her real name, that's what Aunt Wicia calls her.  As ornery as that kid is, and as much as I want to pull my hair out over her sometimes, I love that kid almost as much as I love my own.  Bub and I weren't speaking during Lulu's birthday, (both stubborn), and I didn't go to her party.  I hated it.  If we ever have another disagreement around that time, I'll just have to kick his ass and get it over with!  But, you get the idea.  Though I wouldn't get to see him as often, I would love that little guy just the same.  My heart truly aches, and he's not even been born yet!  I can't remember when my sister is due, but, she doesn't have much longer.

So now I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I know that some of you that read my blog know my sister.  I want to say, "please, show this to her, let her read it!"  But, and the same time, I a) don't want to drag anyone into it, and b) don't want to cause her any stress, because I really don't want any harm to come to her or the baby.  So, I suppose, I will just not say anything, and if someone were to bring my blog to her attention, it wouldn't be my doing, right?

Ok, I feel a little better,  Thanks for reading.

Take care,

Alicia

Housewife Hell - originally posted May 18, 2014

I have been trying to get used to the idea that I am a housewife since last March.  I'm not doing very well with it.  In fact, I hate it.  I'm not saying that I don't like spending time with my kids, but, in all honesty, I'm not made to be stuck at home 24 hours a freaking day, 7 damned days a week.  I am going bonkers!

Before I got fired from my last job, I had worked 40+ hours a week at the same place for about 8 years, minus about a year for medical leave and various other absences.  I was damned good at that job, too.  I held the job before that off and on for 10 years, and before then, I helped my dad when he went to do yard work for little old ladies.  I've been working in one way or another since I was 7 or 8 years old.  It's all I've known. 

This gig is the absolute worst gig I've ever had.  No pay, long hours, very few breaks, and ungrateful clients, as well as very little and poorly skilled help.  And, privacy?  Forget it!  Even now, I can barely think to type without a five year old busy body bugging the shit out of me.  I'm lucky she can't read, or it would be, "Mommy, why are you saying that", and, "Mom, what does that mean?"  *Sigh*  Yes, it might be harsh, and no, I don't mean it all, but, damn, I gotta have a break sometime, and if I can't vent, I'm going to explode!

There has been some light at the end of the tunnel.  After a very stressful weekend, Nicholas mowed the yard that I was going to have to mow (along with a very long list of other things that I had to do).  This was the first time he had EVER mowed.  I was very proud, and very grateful.  Zoe has been doing a very good job of keeping her room clean, with the help and encouragement of the house fairy.  www.housefairy.org  I just wish that my children would do things with a little more self-motivation and a lot less pushing and prodding from Mom.

It was brought to my attention today that perhaps I should stop babying my kids so much.  I know that's true. As long as I continue to do so, the kids, including my 38 year old, are going to continue to drive me nuts, and I am going to continue to be miserable with my current position.  This will do no good, considering that I'm going to be home at least another year.  It's time to suck it up and buckle down.

It's time to go.  My 5 year old client/helper just made my bed, gave me a hug, and told me that I was sweet a cookie.  I guess staying home with her and her big brother isn't always so bad.

OH!  On a more up-beat note, I now have a 4.0 GPA!  YAYYY!!!

Take care,

Alicia :-)

Time For A Break! - originally posted May 10, 2014

I am so glad I am finished with school until August 21.  I took my Accounting final Wed.  Out of the 5 classes I took  this semester, Accounting was the one I was most worried about.  It turned out that I liked the class, and I did well throughout, but, after crunching numbers for hours on end at times, they all start to merge together.  It can give you quite a headache!  Anyway, I was jonesin' for an A, 'cause that's just how I roll, but, I was getting really nervous.  I had to miss two classes, and let me tell you, it is a pain in the ass to get caught up!  I did, though, for the most part, but, I was getting too close to a B for my comfort, and I was really stressing about getting the last assignment finished, which was part of the final.  I goofed up, thought part of it was going to be completed in class, (I was WRONG!), lost points, which got me even closer to dropping to a B, but, I aced the in-class final, and got my A. Yay!  I know I have A's in 3 of my other classes, and I think I have one in the 5th class, but, I won't know for sure until Monday, and the suspense is KILLING ME!

I had a weight management appointment Wednesday.  I've lost 4 more pounds, which puts my total weight loss at 20 lbs in 2 months.  I must admit that I am really disappointed.  I can do much better.  I've been working hard at it, keeping track of what I eat, staying more active, HOWEVER, I have had a very stressful month, at least for the last two weeks of it.  2 funerals and finishing up the semester have made me grouchy, so, to add to it, I've been snippy and pissy with Kevin, and the kids have gotten on my nerves more easily, blah blah blah. You get the point.  I'm also more forgetful when I'm stressed, so, I have forgotten to take my medicine, including my appetite suppressant, and therefore I have wanted to eat more.  It's a vicious cycle.  :-S  I don't have to worry about school for 3 1/2 months, and no one else is allowed to die, so, I should be ok from here on out.  And, at least it was a weight LOSS, right?

I've been slacking some on housework the last two weeks, as well.  This was intentional, though.  I wanted to concentrate more on wrapping things up with school, so, it took higher priority.  I've not got a disaster area, though.  A couple baskets of laundry to fold, some surfaces to clear off, and some tidying up here and there, and I'll be back on course.  No way in hell am I going down that slippery slope.  It took to much time and effort to get my house into some sort of order to have to do it all over again!  I did get the lawn mowed Thursday.  OMG, it sucked.  My front yard wasn't bad, because I've been keeping it up, but, my backyard was AWFUL!  I must admit that until then, I hadn't mowed it at all.  And, my yard is not small, especially not for a yard in town.  Poor little Zoe... Some of the grass had grown so tall it was as high as her chest, but, she insisted on helping Mommy clean the yard up so I could mow.  I didn't lose her, though!  I tied a bell about her neck, so she was good!  :-D  She was not very happy that she had to go inside when I started mowing, though, (Nick watched her, which she was not happy about, either).  Everytime she heard that mower stop, she found an excuse to come outside.  Anyway, it took me 1 1/2 hours to mow the whole yard, and damn, I was feeling it the next day!.  I actually like doing it, though; I can put on some music and have time to myself.  And, it counts towards my exercise goal!  Bonus!

One last thing, then I'll shut up, er, stop typing...  My intentions are to make a blog post about once a week, however, there are times when I just really need to vent some frustration, and I had one of those moments last week, actually, the day after my first post.  My step-kids were over, which brought my kid count to 4 for the weekend, and by god if the oldest 3 weren't being a royal pain in my ass, all day.  After they had all settled down for the night, I hopped on to the computer to type up a post; it took like 2 1/2 hours, (those children had given me hell that day!).  I FINALLY had finished it, Clicked "Ok", forgot that I wanted to add an image, and somehow, between points A and B, DELETED THE ENTIRE POST! Everything, all gone.  Clicking "Ok" does not a file save!  I knew this, I just don't know for certain what I had done to make it go bye-bye, but, if you had heard the, "Aw, son of a bitch!", that came out of my mouth, you would have known that there had been an operator error, and I was pissed.  Lessons learned: 1) I will not click "Ok" again, until I know that I have added everything. 2) I won't go back in to edit unless I have saved first.  3) I will add my image(s) first!

I hope everyone has a good week, and happy Mother's day to all you mom's, especially mine.

TTFN

Alicia :-)

In the Beginning - originally posted May 3, 2014

NOPE, sorry, not a biblical post.  lol.  In fact, probably the farthest thing from it.  This is just MY beginning, or rather, the beginning of my blog.  I started this blog as an assignment for one of my classes, (I'm taking classes to get an Executive Office Professional associates degree).  I've always wanted to make a blog, but, figured, who the hell would read one if I did?  Well, when I was given the assignment, I decided that I didn't care if anyone read it, I had to create SOME kind of page, and I had always wanted to do a blog, so, why not? And, here we are...  Thanks, Marissa.  :-)

"So, what's this all about," you say, "Clutter and Fluff?  What are you, a chicken?"  No.  I'm just fat and messy, I have trouble losing weight and I hate cleaning house, and I'm trying to live healthier both inside and out.

This all started at the beginning of the year.  I lost a child in 2006; Kaytlin Rose.  She was a beautiful baby, the love of my life, as all my babies are, and she left me when she was 2 months old.  I spent the next 7 years merely existing.  I operated on autopilot; I took care of my son, Nicholas, who was 4 when she died, I worked, I got married, had another little girl, Zoe.  I had a life, but, I didn't live; I only existed.

January 10th would have been Kaytlin's 8th birthday.  Now, normally on her birthday, I would spend the day going between my bed and the living room recliner, and between bouts of crying, screaming at the kids, and feeling sorry for myself.  But, this year, I had an epiphany.  I decided that there was no way in hell I could ever possibly LIVE my life if I continued to mourn Kaytlin's death.  Not only that, but, I wasn't going to be able to be thankful for the time I got to have with Kayt if I was always angry for the time I've had to go without her.  That's along time to be angry, and a long time to be on autopilot.  My other babies deserved better than that, my marriage desverved better than that, and I deserved better than that.  It was time to change.

It took a little more convincing.  I'm not an up-and-at-'em type of person.  I have to really talk myself into it, ya know.  And so, right after Kaytlin's Angel day, (March 4), I called and made an appointment with my health care provider, to join her weight management program.  I have been on the program before, under different doctors, but, never have I been this committed.  In the first month, I lost 16 pounds.  My next appointment is May 8.  I think I'll have good results then, too.  In the last 6 weeks, I've tossed almost 15 BIG bags of junk.  I had a lot of shit to get rid of!

I'm almost done, but, I wanted to share with you some things I'm using that are helping to make this easier for me:

For weightloss, I use loseit.com, and their app.  If you don't use that site, it's awesome.  It lists almost any food you could think of with serving sizes, calories, fat, sugars..., as well as store brands and resturants, and a product code scanner (love that!), and TONS of excercises, even stuff like mowing, housework, and sex!  Funny story - I logged sex one night, then was tinkering with my losit.com profile, looked at my profile preview... When you log sex, it appears as "walking" to the public.  So, everytime, I log it now, I tell Kevin (my hubby) that I gotta log our walk.  HA HA!

For housework, I go to flylady.net.  That site has daily emails, and helps you to establish managable and realistic routines.  The Flylady is awesome, because she was just like me, and lots of people like me, in that she used to be hopeless with housework, and then she figured out that perfect is THE dirty word, perfectionism is a myth, and routines are what it's all about.  She also has products for sale, which I am in no way promoting, but, that I really want because I've seen awesome reviews on.

I swear these two sites have helped me tremendously, but, if you know of any others, I'd love to hear about them!

I'm making progress, but I still have a long way to go.  I'm glad you made it to the end of this post!  You are still awake, right?  I hope you'll join me next time!

TTFN

Alicia