Long Over-due Update

I've been a bad, bad girl.

Ok, maybe not really bad; more like lazy.  I have not made a post in MONTHS.  I've really wanted to, but, damn it, Kondike (Facebook game, if ya haven't heard of it), is extremely demanding... lol

In case you haven't noticed, I've moved.  I didn't get a new home... I found a new blog home.  I think I'm going to like Blogger.  It seems to be a bit more user-friendly.  I've moved all my old posts over, too. 

So, the past few months have gone alright. I finished up fall semester in good shape; made the CEO's list again (yay!)  Christmas and New Years have came and went.  The kids are good, hubby's good, old girl is good... We're all good!  I start Spring Semester on Jan. 12, and graduate in May.  Wooo hooo!

I do have to say, though, Nicholas, OMG, with, what I like to call, the teenaged angst.  SHIT!  It's like he has multiple personalities!  One minute he all smiley and farting rainbows, and then the next thing ya know he goes all Regan on me.  No pea soup yet, though!  But, seriously, SHIT!  And, when my step-daughter is over, who will be 15 this month, and she's in one of HER moods, oh hell, I just want to find a rock... and throw it at one of them.  (heh heh, not really...)  The last couple of times they were both like that, Kevin was at work.  The fucker practically SKIPPED out the door, saying, "have a nice day, honey!", as he left.

So, Kaytlin's birthday is this Saturday.  I'm doing ok, getting through my days.  It's always at the back of my mind, though.  I've gotta find something to do Saturday, to keep myself busy.

I'm going to keep this one short, but, I have to tell you a funny... After I uploaded the picture for this post, Zoe (my 6 y.o.) asked, "Mommy, what is that man doing to her?"  I told her that he was spanking her.  "But, why", she asked in her innocent little voice.  "Well, honey, I suppose she's been a very bad girl," says I, all the while trying not to laugh... "But, when is he going to stop??!!"  I don't remember what I said after that.  I was to busy laughing!

Take care!
Alicia :-)

What a Crazy Month! - originally posted Sept. 28, 2014

This month has been full of change; most of it has been for the better, but, there have been a few stupid mistakes.

I went back to my previous place of employment.  This was the WORST mistake I ever made.  Considering that I had been removed from the chaos, I was not prepared for the Insanity that lay within; and boy, let me tell you, it was crazy.  I think if I hadn't been removed from it for so long, it wouldn't have been so bad, but, damn, I thought it was hell before... In the ONE MONTH that I was there, I pulled a muscle in my neck, and had a panic attack that was bad enough my co-workers thought I was stroking out.  They sent me to ER. 

All my tests turned out fine, and the doc said that it was, indeed, a panic attack with hyperventilation.  I've had this before, but never went to have it checked out while it was occuring.  I can not dispute what the ER doc said, because I have thought back to all the other times this has occurred, and the events that have led up to them, and I believe she's right. My mother, god love her, disagrees, and wants me to have it looked into further.  I will, with my health care provider, but, I still think that ER doctor hit the nail on the head.

Anyway, this past Friday, I was supposed to go to work.  My chest was tight, and my anxiety level was rising with each passing hour.  When your job make you feel this bad, you know there is a problem.  Kevin thought so, too, and after some prodding from him, I decided to through in the towel.  Thanks, honey!

If you worked with me, and you read my blog, please don't be mad at me.  I was of no use to you as a pissed off, grouchy bitch, who did NOT want to be there.  That line of work isn't my thing anymore.

Going back to work also put me behind in school abit.  I'm not in the danger zone, but, I don't like where I'm at.  This place won't get me on the CEO's list, and that's what I'm shooting for these last 2 semesters.

Speaking of Kevin, he started a new job.  He LOVES it.  I'm so happy.  He told the people at his old job to find someone else to be the bitch, because he quit.  He was miserable there, and they sucked.  He's been so much happier.

Mom is getting ready to start a new job, as well.  I think that maybe she's afraid she won't hear from the lady she's supposed to work for, but, I think it will work out in the end.  The lady just lost her husband, and I think she just needs to get her barings straight.

Zoe lost another tooth!  That's 2 teeth in about 2 weeks.  :-(

Nicholas is relishing in being a teen.  He has this crazy notion that being a teenager gives him a new set of rules.  Sorry to disappoint, buddy.  Mom's still a bitch, and you're still a kid. 

Now that we've gone through all these changes unscathed, I thinks it's time for me to get back on that horse.  I've got to start up my weight loss again, and I have to get my house back in order!  The craziness that I had to deal with made me appreciate what I had before.  My life might have been a bit ho-hum, but, now I know that boring is ok, so long as it's helping you to meet the goals you find important. 

I'm ready for Halloween!  Bring it on, October!

A Love So Strong - originally posted Sept. 8, 2014

 

 

Nicholas,

I can't believe in just 2 weeks you will be turing 13.  As eager as you are to become a teenager, I'm not ready.  I miss the sweet baby boy I held in my arms, watching you learn to crawl, to walk, to talk. 

I am so fortunate that you are mine, that I have have been able to raise you into the wonderful boy you have become.  I know that as you take your first steps into manhood, your independence will grow by leaps and bounds, but, I hope that you will still allow me to be there for you as much as I am now.  I don't want to miss a second.

Everyday that I see you with your little sister, I am so proud of the big brother you are.  It comes so naturally to you, and I'm glad that we were given a second chance.

Your heart is so big, my son.  I know that in the future, it will be broken, you will find true love, and you will learn about that special love that only a parent can have for their child.  I want to be there for every step.

Zoe,

Your name means Life, and I picked it for you before you were even growing inside of me.  I knew that someday, I would be given the chance to love another precious baby girl, and here you are, about to turn 6. 

You are such a beautiful, smart little girl.  I am amazed everyday by the things you say, the ideas you come up with.  Sometimes I wonder how such a small body can hold such a big personality.

You've given me alot to adjust to this past month; starting kindergarten, losing your first tooth.  You know that I'm sad to see you grow up, and I melt inside each time you put your little hand to my cheek and say, "Mommy, I have to grow up, but, I'm still right here."

I love to listen to you play. Your imagination is a thing of beauty.  Don't ever lose it, and don't ever let anyone tell you to stop dreaming.

To you both,

You are so much like me, at times it's terrifying, yet I want you to hold on to that fierce independence, your crazy sense of humor, and extreme determination. Just don't forget what's most important, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

I have a love for you both that is so strong, it's sometimes the only thing that keeps me going.  The smile on each of your faces has cleared away many clouds.  Everyday, I love you more.

I wish I could slow time, so neither of you would grow up as fast as you are.  Since that's not going to happen, please remember that Mom will always be here for hugs and kisses, and I'll always try my best to make it all better.

Happy birthday, my babies.

Love,

Mom

A Voice In the Dark - originally posted Aug. 15, 2014

A terrible thing happened this week.  It has inspired this blog entry.

For the last 4 weeks or so, I have been trying to pick myself up off of the ground.  I had become so overwhelmed that I couldn't take it anymore; I turned inside myself and started shutting people out.  I've been there before, and much farther.  This time, I realized what was going on, what I was doing, and sought help.  I talked to my healthcare provider, and went back on anti-depressants.  I hate them.

The meds aren't bad; it's that I had to start taking them again.  I had gone for over a year without them.  I don't like that I have to depend on medicine just to get out of bed, (there are times when, if it weren't for those meds, I wouldn't).  But, to be honest, I should have started taking them long before, and I'm sure I'm going to have to have them adjusted, because I'm not quite to par, yet.

I'm sure by now, you have figured out what it is that has inspired me to write on such a sobering topic.  Robin Williams' death has had a major impact on me.  I feel his pain; I know his pain.  Regardless of the source, the heartache that one feels EVERDAY because of depression is the same for every person who lives with it.

There are some who wonder what someone famous could be depressed about.  I say do not judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.  I would bet that you would want your shoes back before you were a quarter of the way through. 

I have seen some comments about going to hell for committing suicide.  I ask the people making those comments: Do you know what hell even is?  Hell is being alone, empty, a shell of yourself.  Hell is putting a smile on your face, or making someone laugh, while you're dying inside.  It's pushing through a day, pretending that nothing is wrong.  It's crying until you can't cry anymore.  Hell kicks the shit out of you when you're down, and then kicks you again when you're trying to get back up.  Hell is burying your child, trying to hide an abuse, keeping your private life private; everyone has their own special version. Hell is on Earth.  I am still living in my hell.  It's getting better; the days are a little brighter, and I'm learning to kick back.  I think Robin Williams just got so tired of being kicked.  I understand.

His death has opened the country's eyes to a dark, ugly illness.  It is so very sad that it takes something like this, the loss of life, to make people see.  But, now that they do, it's time to stop being so quiet.  Ignoring depression won't make it go away, and I'm tired of feeling alone.

I dedicate this post to Robin Williams, and to all those who have suffered with depression and grown to tired to fight anymore.  I'm here for you; I'll keep fighting.

My Mom's Balls - orignally posted July 6, 2014

My mom's FIFTY-FIRST birthday was on the 4th, and naturally, she wanted a birthday party (oh joy!)  Because she knew that I would not throw her the one she desired, she decided to give herself one. 

Before I continue, I think I should clarify on my thing with birthday parties: I think by now, if you have read any of my other entries, you can safely assume that I come from a family who's attitude is as big as its population.  That's usually a good thing; we don't put up with bullshit, we stand up for each other, and if your backbone is composed of jell-o and candy cigarettes, we will eat you alive.  I'm speaking mostly of the women in my family, myself included.  Most of our men are smart enough to stay the hell out of the way.  Our wrath is MIGHTY!  lol  However, because we all have such strong personalities, and such loud mouths, drama has the tendency to stick it's nasty little nose in.  Because of Drama, that little punk-assed bitch, I have become a Party Nazi.  After the last few horrid get-togethers that were held at my house, I have decided that although I will be more than happy to attend anyone else's family gathering, I will not be having my own.  (I am contemplating have a party for the kid's birthdays, but, that's still up in the air)

SO, with that out of the way, I'll get back to the main topic....

Ok, Mom wanted to have her party at one of our local parks, on the 5th, and she wanted to invite the family.  Cool, whatever, Mom.  And, she wanted to have cake, chocolate dipped marshmallows, and cakeballs.  Alrighty...  My aunt volunteered to provided the cake. Check.  Mom wanted to do the marshmallows. Check.  Oh, and guess who could do the cakeballs?  Che... uh, wait a minute!  The conversation went like this:

Mom, "Heather said she wanted to do the cake."

Me, "Ok, that's good."

Mom, "So, I thought we could make chocolate-dipped marshmallows and cakeballs."

Me, "Ok, Mom, it's your party.  If that's what you want."

Mom, "So, how 'bout if I do the marshmallows, and you make the cakeballs?"

Me, "WHAT? You want ME to make the cakeballs?!"

Mom, "Well, if you don't want to, I guess you could to the marshmallows..."

This woman has been my mother for 33 years; I know her crafty ways.  I've no doubt I would have been the one doing those damned cakeballs no matter what.  lol

And, so, we set out over 2 weeks ago to get the stuff we would need to create our goodies.  I had PLENTY of time to make them.  But, Mom wanted me to wait until a day that she was off so we could work on them together.  That turned out to be the day OF the party.  Crazy old broad!

If Satan exists, I bet his nutsack is made of cakeballs.  Those fucking things are a pain in the ass to make.  I believe I told my friend, April, that they are evil!  I had melting chocolate all over the place.  At one point, Zoe decided that she was going to help me, which resulted in one of my cousins finding a hair. ("But, I washed my hands, Mom!" The help was short-lived, btw...)  We had sticks to make cakePOPS, but, the sticks wouldn't stay in the balls.

When I started out, I had 47 to coat and decorate.  In the end, I think I had 30?  Maybe 35.  I was working on those stupid things until 15 minutes after the party started.  They looked like shit, but they did taste pretty good.  I had one.  The good thing was that I could polish those turds with some shimmery gel icing.  Shiny stuff makes everything look better!  HA HA!  I told everyone to eat them and not look at them. 

I guess they didn't really turn out that bad; everyone seemed to like them, as well as Mom's 'mallows.  Heather's cakes were super cute.  Her husband made them; two red M&Ms (Mom loves Red).  And, I thought Mom had an ok turn out; a couple aunts, some of our cousins (hi, Aleah!), April, and our kiddos. 

I'm still a Party Nazi, but I am glad that Mom had a good time.  And, as much as I bitched about it, if she ever asked/volunteered me to make cakeballs again, she knows that I would.

I love you, Mom.  Happy birthday.

Alicia

Nicholas - originally posted June 30, 2014

 

 

I know, it's been a while.  To make a long story short, I've been dealing with some stuff, and as a result have been kind of a hermit.  I do that at times.  I'll probably get in to that at a later date, but, right now, I want to talk about that cute little man in the picture.

In March of 2001, I found out that I was going to become a mother for the first time.  I was 19, and OMG was I terrified.  I'm not gonna lie, I enjoyed the practice of making a baby, but, I was in no way intentionally trying to make one of those squirming, crying, pooping creatures; but, alas, it was to be.  And so, on September 23, 2001, a 7 lb 6 oz Nicholas Michael entered the world, after what seemed like a long, horrible pregnancy, (I hated being pregnant, both with Nick, and his two sister, but, I love my babies!).  He was a good baby; spoiled, of course, Grandma saw to that (some things never change...).  He made me wonder why I was so afraid to become a Mom, and made me discover that being a parent is only as hard as you make it.

One of the best things that happened pretty much immediately upon Nick's arrival is that I grew up.  You know as well as I do that there are very few 20 year olds without children who are actually grown up, and sadly, there are some WITH children who aren't, as well.  Anyway, I was, and I have my handsom baby boy to thank for it.

It's not been all rainbows and roses, of course.  I was a single mom, starting out. We lived with my mom, and between she and I, we managed.  We were still living with Mom when Kaytlin came along.  Nicholas was 4.  I have said many, many time, and will say many more, that if it hadn't been for Nicholas, after Kaytlin died, there would have been no me.  He was my rock.  Some may think it wrong to say that you look at your then 4 year old son as your rock, but, I don't care.  He was; he still is.  When I cried, (which was a lot at the time), he would let me hold him, because he knew that's what Mommy needed; when I seemed to be at my wits end, he knew that he needed to go find something to do, because Mommy needed a break; when I didn't think things could get any darker, he knew that he could smile and be silly, because Mommy needed some sunshine and laughter.  He's still that way.

I'm not saying that's he's an angel; yes, he's charming, funny, and a gentleman to the core, but, people say he favors me, and with the similar looks comes a similar attitude.  Now that he's about to become a teenager, the attitude has been maginified exponentially.  I'm afraid I'm getting ready to go through teenage hell with him.  It's a damned good things that I'm a master at being a smart ass, because the young grasshopper is trying to give me a run for my money.  And, holy crap, does he like to test out the cuss words.  Naturally, his favorite word is fuck (that's my boy!).  I think I've said before that I don't believe in censorship; however, I also don't believe that children should be running around using swear words like a second language.  I understand that kids get to an age where they cuss as a way to test the waters, to see how far they can get with Mom and Dad, but, the way I see it, it's ok if you want to cuss like a sailor around your friends, but until you've survived high school, maybe gotten your ass kicked once or twice, and can hold a job and pay your own bills, you keep your mouth clean and respectful when in the presence of an adult.  Ok, maybe not quite to that extent, but, you get it; it's a right of passage.

Nick will be 13 in less than 3 months.  I'm not ready, but, I guess I don't have a choice.  The other day, Mom and I were in the kitchen with him, and she was kissing all over his cute little face.  She was telling him that he was such a cute little baby, and he was having none of it.  He told her, "I'm not a baby, Grandma! I'm almost 13!"  She of course had to argue with him.  I had to tell her that he was not a baby.  He's a little man, and the more we try to keep him as a baby, the more he's going to fight against us.  It was one of the hardest things I had to do.  it made me so sad.  Sometimes I wish he was still that squirming, crying, pooping creature I could hold in my arms, instead of the messy, mouthy, and sometimes smelly one that can't fit on my lap anymore.  He's growing faster than I'd like!

Since I can't avoid it, one thing I am going to look forward to when he turns 13 is the fact that he will only become a teenager once.  Oh my god!  Since the second he turned 12, all we've heard around my house is some variation of, "I'll be 13 soon!"  Holy shit, WE GET IT ALREADY!  Yes, you are going to turn 13, go through puberty, become all angsty, and make us all miserable.  Oh joy, the rest of us are just as excited!  It's so funny, though, to mention anything about puberty.  He clams up, and gets embarrassed, or gets pissy and tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it.  Oh, except for talking about his voice changing.  He's ready for that.  He plays World of Tanks, and some of the older guys make fun of him because he sounds like a little boy (duh!)  They call him squeaky.  Poor kid.  People can be dicks. 

So, that's my Nicky.  He's sweet (laced with arsenic), funny (and extremely sarcastic), and HE'S GOING TO BE 13 SOON!  I wouldn't change him for anything. 

I love that kid.

Take care.

Alicia

In My Old Age... - originaly posted May 30, 2014

 

 

The 26th of May marked my thirty-third birthday.  When I was 11, I would have told you that being in your 30's meant you were ancient.  My 22 y.o. self thought anyone over thirty was old, had their shit together, and knew what general direction their life was heading.  Now, I shake my head at those two for being so stupid.

I look back at all the things I have experienced in my adulthood thus far: In no particular order,  I have -  had 3 children, buried one, lost 3 grandmothers, and a great-grandmother.  I have also  gone to school four times (I should be a fucking doctor by now!  LOL), had 5 jobs, gotten fired twice, gotten married, aquired two step-children, started a relationship with my real father, and gained about 135 lbs.

That's been in JUST the past 15 years of my life!  Holy shit!  LOL.  Have you ever done that?  Just sat down and wrote out all the things that you have been through, good or bad, since becoming an adult?  Maybe you should. 

This is the first time I've actually written it out, honestly; but, it's gotten me thinking of all the times I've felt sorry for myself.  Really, I know I'm not the only person who looks at their life and thinks, "What in the hell have I been doing with my life? Where did the time go?  What have I accomplished?"  Well, it's right in front of me, now.  I know EXACTLY what I've done, and what I've accomplished.

You can't look at these things and think, "Boo hoo, look at all I've had to go through, poor me!"  You've got to say, "Hell yes, I made it through in one piece!"  I don't have my shit together, and I don't know which direction my life will take me, but, I'd say, all-in-all, what I've done is a lot that I can be proud of.  I have made it through a few different levels of hell, and I survived (without getting one fucking t-shirt!)  I've been twisted, as a result, but I'm still here.

Of course, you can't go through anything that's made it to your "list" without it affecting you in some way.  I do believe that's why it's called "life-changing"; it wouldn't make it on the list otherwise.  I KNOW that I'm a completely different person now than what I was at 18.  I'm stronger, more confident, and I don't take shit from anyone; however, I also have very little patience, I'm very stubborn,  and as we all know, I am a bitch (There are different kinds of bitch; I happen to be the good kind, though some may disagree).  My point is, I didn't end up broken.

While on the subject of change, I need to include, ( as much for myself as anyone else), that the only person anyone can ever change, at least in a positive way, is themself.  No matter how much you beg, whine, yell, or, even PRAY to your God(dess) for that person to alter their behavior, they are not going to, unless it's negatively.  I know when I'm being constantly bitched at, I bull up and do THE EXACT OPPOSITE of the desired effect; e.i., negative outcome.  Most of us do that.  Therefore, I know, deep down, that no matter how much I bitch at my kids, or my husband, to do something - to change - and although that something might be done for a while, it's not going to last, and the situation may, in fact worsen.

I have given myself a lot of headaches over this very thing, and I suppose it has finally clicked.  I need to just STOP bitching.  I'm hoping that if I let them know what is expected, stay firm and consistant, and lead by example, they will change on their own.

There are other kinds of change that hit closer to the heart.  We are all aware of what those are.  They are the deal-breakers and , sometimes, the heart-breakers.  These are the ones where we keep telling ourselves that we will give him/her one more chance, 'cause we just know that they will do better, be better.  After so many chances, and/or so many years, you've got to finally make a decision: throw in the towel and walk away with your head held high, because you KNOW you gave it your all; or stick around and deal with it, because it's not going to get better.  Regardless of your choice, it's YOU that has to change.

Make your list, draw your line, stay firm and consistant, and CHANGE, because no matter who you surround yourself with, in the end, the only person who can do it for you, IS you.

TTFN,

Alicia

The Root of the Problem - originally posted May 22, 2014

I have a very bad habit of holding things in.  I will hold on to a thing and let it fester until it's hot and angry, and ready to burst.  And when the thing finally ruptures, I am either a nasty, snarling, vicious beast of a woman; or a sloppy, weeping, husk of humanity.  At the very worst, if I have held it in way past due, I get an anxiety attack, a lovely combination of the above discriptions, and, oh what fun that is; well, the drugs that come with it can be, (not really!  I'm usually drooling on my pillow about 30 minutes after I take them.).

"What brought this up," you ask?  Well, the fun time I had last week has rolled over into this one, and I've been a delight to be around.  And, because I let myself get "tightly wound up", (Kevin said that...The nerve!), my blood pressure got high, and I had an episode of vertigo Tuesday evening, while I was mowing my dad's yard.  Not fun.  I hadn't had one in over a month, and never while I was actually doing something.  It was kind of scary...

Anyway, this got me to thinking as to what EXACTLY it is that is bothering me SO MUCH that I have turned into a three-headed she-bitch that foams at the mouth and cries venom tears.  Yes, I have been irritated that I'm not getting help with the housework, but, that can't be it.  I'm not going to come unhinged over JUST that.  What's going on with me?

And then it hit me... There is someone in my life that I love very much.  I have known this person for most of my life, and we had been growing very close, until a few years ago.  (I should add that this was not a romantic relationship...)  At that point, this person met someone, whom they were sure they would be spending their life with.  I was very happy for this person.  They had been waiting for this for a long time, and I was very excited to meet the person who was bringing them such joy.  I've yet to meet that person.

I spoke to this person maybe two times afterwards.  Then, they moved, to be closer to their significant other.  I wasn't told goodbye, I don't even remember for certain if I was told they were leaving, and they haven't spoken to me since.  Oh, I got an invitation to the wedding, but, by then, enough time had past that I wasn't just hurt, I was down right pissed, and I believed that I was only invited so that it could be said that I was.  So, I refused to go. 

Now, this person is expecting a baby.  I had held out on the hope that when that time came, they would tell me, that maybe I would be one of the first ones they would tell, because that's the type of relationship we once had.  But, no.  I can't remember now if I saw it on Facebook first, or if it was from one person who had heard it from someone else, but, it didn't come from the one person who mattered, and that crushed me; it still does. 

I don't know why my baby sister is doing this.  I have one theory: My brother-in-law is a youth leader, and his dad is a preacher; I am wiccan.  My fear is that she has broken contact with me because of this.  I hope I'm wrong, but, If I am, I have no other explaination.  And I know for certain that she has stopped talking to me, and that we have not just drifted apart, because right after I found out about the baby, my mom, who knew how upset I was, (and whom my sister had also stopped speaking to), tried to reach out to her on Facebook.  In response, she blocked both of us.  I hadn't said anything to her, at all.  I figured, she was the one who stopped talking to me, and she could be the one who starts.  It's sort of ok; although I don't get to see how she's doing from time to time, I also don't have to see the posts where she says "you're such a wonderful sister," and know that they are not meant for me.

Anyway, my dad's birthday was last Saturday (the 17th).  He told me a few days before that my sister would be coming down then.  I have traced that back to be the root of the problem.  She-bitch was born right around that time.  After the little heifer had blocked me, I had said, "screw it!  If that's how she wants to be, I'm not going to let it bother me!"  Liar, liar...  I guess I should have added, "until she comes around again."  uggg. 

I didn't see her, of course.  However, I was told that she went out to Kaytlin's grave.  That makes me really, really MAD.  I don't want her out there, for any reason.  She doesn't get to cut me, and my kids, out of her life, and then come around once in a blue moon, and go to my daughter's grave, so that she can somehow feel better about herself.  She had the chance to be a good aunt, and she's fucked it up.  If things remain the way they currently are, I'll never get the chance to know my nephew.  She made her bed... 

In case you're wondering why it's such a big deal to me that I know my sister's children; I have a niece and a nephew through marriage, and I love them dearly.  And, then I have Lulu.  She is my brother's little girl.  No, that's not her real name, that's what Aunt Wicia calls her.  As ornery as that kid is, and as much as I want to pull my hair out over her sometimes, I love that kid almost as much as I love my own.  Bub and I weren't speaking during Lulu's birthday, (both stubborn), and I didn't go to her party.  I hated it.  If we ever have another disagreement around that time, I'll just have to kick his ass and get it over with!  But, you get the idea.  Though I wouldn't get to see him as often, I would love that little guy just the same.  My heart truly aches, and he's not even been born yet!  I can't remember when my sister is due, but, she doesn't have much longer.

So now I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I know that some of you that read my blog know my sister.  I want to say, "please, show this to her, let her read it!"  But, and the same time, I a) don't want to drag anyone into it, and b) don't want to cause her any stress, because I really don't want any harm to come to her or the baby.  So, I suppose, I will just not say anything, and if someone were to bring my blog to her attention, it wouldn't be my doing, right?

Ok, I feel a little better,  Thanks for reading.

Take care,

Alicia

Housewife Hell - originally posted May 18, 2014

I have been trying to get used to the idea that I am a housewife since last March.  I'm not doing very well with it.  In fact, I hate it.  I'm not saying that I don't like spending time with my kids, but, in all honesty, I'm not made to be stuck at home 24 hours a freaking day, 7 damned days a week.  I am going bonkers!

Before I got fired from my last job, I had worked 40+ hours a week at the same place for about 8 years, minus about a year for medical leave and various other absences.  I was damned good at that job, too.  I held the job before that off and on for 10 years, and before then, I helped my dad when he went to do yard work for little old ladies.  I've been working in one way or another since I was 7 or 8 years old.  It's all I've known. 

This gig is the absolute worst gig I've ever had.  No pay, long hours, very few breaks, and ungrateful clients, as well as very little and poorly skilled help.  And, privacy?  Forget it!  Even now, I can barely think to type without a five year old busy body bugging the shit out of me.  I'm lucky she can't read, or it would be, "Mommy, why are you saying that", and, "Mom, what does that mean?"  *Sigh*  Yes, it might be harsh, and no, I don't mean it all, but, damn, I gotta have a break sometime, and if I can't vent, I'm going to explode!

There has been some light at the end of the tunnel.  After a very stressful weekend, Nicholas mowed the yard that I was going to have to mow (along with a very long list of other things that I had to do).  This was the first time he had EVER mowed.  I was very proud, and very grateful.  Zoe has been doing a very good job of keeping her room clean, with the help and encouragement of the house fairy.  www.housefairy.org  I just wish that my children would do things with a little more self-motivation and a lot less pushing and prodding from Mom.

It was brought to my attention today that perhaps I should stop babying my kids so much.  I know that's true. As long as I continue to do so, the kids, including my 38 year old, are going to continue to drive me nuts, and I am going to continue to be miserable with my current position.  This will do no good, considering that I'm going to be home at least another year.  It's time to suck it up and buckle down.

It's time to go.  My 5 year old client/helper just made my bed, gave me a hug, and told me that I was sweet a cookie.  I guess staying home with her and her big brother isn't always so bad.

OH!  On a more up-beat note, I now have a 4.0 GPA!  YAYYY!!!

Take care,

Alicia :-)

Time For A Break! - originally posted May 10, 2014

I am so glad I am finished with school until August 21.  I took my Accounting final Wed.  Out of the 5 classes I took  this semester, Accounting was the one I was most worried about.  It turned out that I liked the class, and I did well throughout, but, after crunching numbers for hours on end at times, they all start to merge together.  It can give you quite a headache!  Anyway, I was jonesin' for an A, 'cause that's just how I roll, but, I was getting really nervous.  I had to miss two classes, and let me tell you, it is a pain in the ass to get caught up!  I did, though, for the most part, but, I was getting too close to a B for my comfort, and I was really stressing about getting the last assignment finished, which was part of the final.  I goofed up, thought part of it was going to be completed in class, (I was WRONG!), lost points, which got me even closer to dropping to a B, but, I aced the in-class final, and got my A. Yay!  I know I have A's in 3 of my other classes, and I think I have one in the 5th class, but, I won't know for sure until Monday, and the suspense is KILLING ME!

I had a weight management appointment Wednesday.  I've lost 4 more pounds, which puts my total weight loss at 20 lbs in 2 months.  I must admit that I am really disappointed.  I can do much better.  I've been working hard at it, keeping track of what I eat, staying more active, HOWEVER, I have had a very stressful month, at least for the last two weeks of it.  2 funerals and finishing up the semester have made me grouchy, so, to add to it, I've been snippy and pissy with Kevin, and the kids have gotten on my nerves more easily, blah blah blah. You get the point.  I'm also more forgetful when I'm stressed, so, I have forgotten to take my medicine, including my appetite suppressant, and therefore I have wanted to eat more.  It's a vicious cycle.  :-S  I don't have to worry about school for 3 1/2 months, and no one else is allowed to die, so, I should be ok from here on out.  And, at least it was a weight LOSS, right?

I've been slacking some on housework the last two weeks, as well.  This was intentional, though.  I wanted to concentrate more on wrapping things up with school, so, it took higher priority.  I've not got a disaster area, though.  A couple baskets of laundry to fold, some surfaces to clear off, and some tidying up here and there, and I'll be back on course.  No way in hell am I going down that slippery slope.  It took to much time and effort to get my house into some sort of order to have to do it all over again!  I did get the lawn mowed Thursday.  OMG, it sucked.  My front yard wasn't bad, because I've been keeping it up, but, my backyard was AWFUL!  I must admit that until then, I hadn't mowed it at all.  And, my yard is not small, especially not for a yard in town.  Poor little Zoe... Some of the grass had grown so tall it was as high as her chest, but, she insisted on helping Mommy clean the yard up so I could mow.  I didn't lose her, though!  I tied a bell about her neck, so she was good!  :-D  She was not very happy that she had to go inside when I started mowing, though, (Nick watched her, which she was not happy about, either).  Everytime she heard that mower stop, she found an excuse to come outside.  Anyway, it took me 1 1/2 hours to mow the whole yard, and damn, I was feeling it the next day!.  I actually like doing it, though; I can put on some music and have time to myself.  And, it counts towards my exercise goal!  Bonus!

One last thing, then I'll shut up, er, stop typing...  My intentions are to make a blog post about once a week, however, there are times when I just really need to vent some frustration, and I had one of those moments last week, actually, the day after my first post.  My step-kids were over, which brought my kid count to 4 for the weekend, and by god if the oldest 3 weren't being a royal pain in my ass, all day.  After they had all settled down for the night, I hopped on to the computer to type up a post; it took like 2 1/2 hours, (those children had given me hell that day!).  I FINALLY had finished it, Clicked "Ok", forgot that I wanted to add an image, and somehow, between points A and B, DELETED THE ENTIRE POST! Everything, all gone.  Clicking "Ok" does not a file save!  I knew this, I just don't know for certain what I had done to make it go bye-bye, but, if you had heard the, "Aw, son of a bitch!", that came out of my mouth, you would have known that there had been an operator error, and I was pissed.  Lessons learned: 1) I will not click "Ok" again, until I know that I have added everything. 2) I won't go back in to edit unless I have saved first.  3) I will add my image(s) first!

I hope everyone has a good week, and happy Mother's day to all you mom's, especially mine.

TTFN

Alicia :-)

In the Beginning - originally posted May 3, 2014

NOPE, sorry, not a biblical post.  lol.  In fact, probably the farthest thing from it.  This is just MY beginning, or rather, the beginning of my blog.  I started this blog as an assignment for one of my classes, (I'm taking classes to get an Executive Office Professional associates degree).  I've always wanted to make a blog, but, figured, who the hell would read one if I did?  Well, when I was given the assignment, I decided that I didn't care if anyone read it, I had to create SOME kind of page, and I had always wanted to do a blog, so, why not? And, here we are...  Thanks, Marissa.  :-)

"So, what's this all about," you say, "Clutter and Fluff?  What are you, a chicken?"  No.  I'm just fat and messy, I have trouble losing weight and I hate cleaning house, and I'm trying to live healthier both inside and out.

This all started at the beginning of the year.  I lost a child in 2006; Kaytlin Rose.  She was a beautiful baby, the love of my life, as all my babies are, and she left me when she was 2 months old.  I spent the next 7 years merely existing.  I operated on autopilot; I took care of my son, Nicholas, who was 4 when she died, I worked, I got married, had another little girl, Zoe.  I had a life, but, I didn't live; I only existed.

January 10th would have been Kaytlin's 8th birthday.  Now, normally on her birthday, I would spend the day going between my bed and the living room recliner, and between bouts of crying, screaming at the kids, and feeling sorry for myself.  But, this year, I had an epiphany.  I decided that there was no way in hell I could ever possibly LIVE my life if I continued to mourn Kaytlin's death.  Not only that, but, I wasn't going to be able to be thankful for the time I got to have with Kayt if I was always angry for the time I've had to go without her.  That's along time to be angry, and a long time to be on autopilot.  My other babies deserved better than that, my marriage desverved better than that, and I deserved better than that.  It was time to change.

It took a little more convincing.  I'm not an up-and-at-'em type of person.  I have to really talk myself into it, ya know.  And so, right after Kaytlin's Angel day, (March 4), I called and made an appointment with my health care provider, to join her weight management program.  I have been on the program before, under different doctors, but, never have I been this committed.  In the first month, I lost 16 pounds.  My next appointment is May 8.  I think I'll have good results then, too.  In the last 6 weeks, I've tossed almost 15 BIG bags of junk.  I had a lot of shit to get rid of!

I'm almost done, but, I wanted to share with you some things I'm using that are helping to make this easier for me:

For weightloss, I use loseit.com, and their app.  If you don't use that site, it's awesome.  It lists almost any food you could think of with serving sizes, calories, fat, sugars..., as well as store brands and resturants, and a product code scanner (love that!), and TONS of excercises, even stuff like mowing, housework, and sex!  Funny story - I logged sex one night, then was tinkering with my losit.com profile, looked at my profile preview... When you log sex, it appears as "walking" to the public.  So, everytime, I log it now, I tell Kevin (my hubby) that I gotta log our walk.  HA HA!

For housework, I go to flylady.net.  That site has daily emails, and helps you to establish managable and realistic routines.  The Flylady is awesome, because she was just like me, and lots of people like me, in that she used to be hopeless with housework, and then she figured out that perfect is THE dirty word, perfectionism is a myth, and routines are what it's all about.  She also has products for sale, which I am in no way promoting, but, that I really want because I've seen awesome reviews on.

I swear these two sites have helped me tremendously, but, if you know of any others, I'd love to hear about them!

I'm making progress, but I still have a long way to go.  I'm glad you made it to the end of this post!  You are still awake, right?  I hope you'll join me next time!

TTFN

Alicia